In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and
unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess
snack logs to the following experiments:
Exposure
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an
inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across
the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons,
avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and
prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color
and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially
dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the
consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained
its advertised "creaminess"
Radiation
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for
precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20
seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma
of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the
acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2
minutes 10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top
of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this
Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike
filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed
only upon application of a butter knife. Extreme Force
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately
120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The
expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only
discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside;
otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
Extreme Cold
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon
removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical
properties had noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to be the
approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the
mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was
noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the freezer odors.
Extreme Heat
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie
smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled,
the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same
"burning rubber" aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment.
Immersion
A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie
floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow
tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble
artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially.
Its coloring was now a very pale tan - in contrast to the yellow,
urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched,
and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie had increased
roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned opaque,
and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the
"cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further
analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie
disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor
was noted.
Summary of Results
The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the
unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial
coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally
categorize the Twinkie as "food". Further clinical inquiry is required
before any definite conclusions can be drawn.
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