INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position
right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap,
cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push
pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new
ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from
below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste
away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and
soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close
door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who
crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small
spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head
vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers
and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home
to order new table.
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